The Tortoise and the Hare- Setting the Pace in Swinging

The Tortoise and the Hare- Setting the Pace in Swinging- By Serendipity702

Once you’ve decided to enter into the wild world of swinging as a couple, one question that may arise is, “How quickly (or slowly) should we proceed?”   More times than not, there will be one partner who is gung-ho about jumping right in and having lots of new, sexy, and exciting experiences. In contrast, the other partner may be a little more reluctant and cautious about getting started and worried about how this will affect their relationship. How does a couple rectify these seemingly conflicting desires and settle upon a pace that suits both people? I don’t know that there is a concrete answer to this, but as someone who has both been part of a couple in the LS, and had the benefit of interacting with LOTS of couples and gleaning wisdom from them, I’m willing to offer some thoughts on this topic.

One piece of advice I’ve heard many times is that the pace should be set by the slowest person. The person who has the greatest fear, the most doubt and worry is the person who will need the most care.  This may be frustrating for the partner who is eager to get started, but according to many, if you desire to preserve your relationship, both within swinging and apart from it, the “eager beaver” is going to need to slow down. 

The reasons for catering to the slowest person (aka the tortoise) are many. If you proceed at the speed of the fastest person, (the hare), you run the risk of the tortoise feeling disregarded, insecure, and jealous. All of these feelings are killers for swinging. Not only do those feelings impact the relationship, between the two partners (which should be the most important thing), but they will often affect those with whom you are swinging. So while the hare is acting like a starving person at a buffet, eager to sample any and everything, the tortoise often is sitting back ruminating on it all and trying to process their feelings.  Perhaps they try to keep up with the hare, despite their discomfort. We can probably predict how that will go- the hare ends up having a great time, the tortoise doesn’t, and when they get home-- issues. What is supposed to be a fun experience for BOTH parties ends up being one-sided. As a result, the tortoise’s dissatisfaction could display itself in any number of ways- an argument or drama in the moment (uncomfortable, to say the least, for everyone), refusal to continue swinging, or worst case scenario, the implosion of the relationship.

I’ve experienced this personally as the both the tortoise and the hare. As the tortoise, I was with someone who was so excited and eager to begin swinging that they kept presenting me with options and opportunities, at what felt like every turn. He called it persistence, but for me it just came across as pushy, and after awhile became so off-putting and frustrating that it sent me into retreat mode- to a point where I didn’t want to do anything LS related with him. 

Imagine it this way:

Hare: Hey, do you want to go out to eat?

Me: No, I’m not really hungry.

Hare: Come on, I want to eat!!

Me: Okay, okay…We can go to a restaurant, but I really don’t want anything. Maybe I’ll just get a drink.

Hare: Here, how about some pizza? I ordered you a slice.

Me: No, I don’t really feel like pizza.

Hare: How about a burger? (presents a burger to me)

Me: No…I told you, I’m not really hungry.

Hare: Pasta, come on, eat some pasta. I really want us to eat together! Why are you always turning down my suggestions?? I brought pasta for you!

Me: FINE. I don’t really want pasta, but since you’re so set on it… (chokes down pasta, not really enjoying it, while Hare relishes every bite.  I watch him eat resentfully, feeling like I’d been bullied into it.)

Now, imagine that scenario with swinging. My hare persisted in offering up “suggestions” on a regular basis, almost every week.  From my perspective, I couldn’t understand his rush. Why he wouldn’t let me “order” what (or who) I wanted, and “eat” when and if I wanted to?  Usually, as it was in our case, the hare is happy with whatever the tortoise chooses, as tortoises tend to be a bit more selective and discerning. My constant declining his offers became frustrating for him, as he was extremely enthusiastic and really wanted to have experiences, and in turn, his over-eagerness was a turn off for me. He didn’t like one of the cardinal rules in the LS- “let the woman choose.” Eventually, I threw in the towel on our LS life and told him that I did not want to participate in it with him anymore. I felt like he cared about “experiences” more than he did about me, and that was a terrible feeling. I was over it. The rift between us ended up being the demise of our relationship.

On the other hand, I have also been the hare in this situation, when my ex-husband and I first started our LS journey. He was reluctant about the whole thing, and really wanted to tiptoe our way into it. So, we’d go to parties and events and never play. He’d be content to meet and greet, but when the action started, he wanted to leave. I was frustrated because I wanted to stay and watch and/or participate and couldn’t understand why he didn’t. However, I knew not to push- if I did, then I knew he’d do what I did with the aforementioned hare- put his foot down and say we weren’t doing anything at all. So, we baby-stepped things. It took months, if not years, before he found his comfort level, and we still had setbacks and times where we paused and didn’t do anything LS at all. In retrospect, even though my wants and desires weren’t fulfilled immediately, I’m glad that we waited. It was much better for us to have taken our time so we BOTH felt comfortable, rather than me zipping ahead and risking causing problems between the two of us. It is important to recognize that swinging is just an extracurricular activity- you have to deal with your partner on a regular basis, and that’s what is most important.  Patience, in our case, was a virtue.

Now, if both of you are on the same page, and want to proceed at the same pace, by all means, jump into the deep end with both feet. But pay attention to signs, signals, and have those tough conversations to “check in” and make sure you both are feeling good about the speed in which you’re moving, and the activities (and people) you’re choosing.

The bottom line is, if you are operating in the LS as a couple (whether it is a play-partner couple, or a more established one), you have to operate as a unit.  Swinging as a couple truly is a team sport. So, if you’re the hare, you may not get to the destination first, but you’ll get there with less stress and more happiness if you check your pace to match that of the tortoise. Regardless, eventually you’ll both make it to the finish line together, which is a win for everyone.

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