I Want to Swing, but Don't Touch My Wife: The Guide to Accepting Your Wife's Pleasure

I Want to Swing, but Don't Touch My Wife:

The Guide to Accepting Your Wife's Pleasure

A male preparing himself to swing can be a lonely road... It's not something that we can easily talk about with our closest vanilla friends. Can you imagine talking to the boys about letting someone have sex with your girlfriend or wife, the same way you guys regularly talk about sex? “Hey i let Stacey get smashed by some dude the other day” or “Kerri got her back blown out by this couple last night”... The terms we use to describe sex alone will make your friends look at you like you’re crazy. So a lot of times we are forced to work it out in our own heads or do some reading in secret. Not all of us came into “The Lifestyle” knowing from the beginning that we would enjoy watching our women have sex with other men, and I am one of them. In fact the first time it happened was a terrible experience for me... Still, I did try again. And I ended up enjoying it completely. In my time in the lifestyle I have run into many men who had similar problems starting out. Certain actions make them insecure, bruise their egos, and gave them trust issues. Some of them could get over these things and find enjoyment, others found that swinging wasn't for them. I wanted to take some of these things that I see with newbie males and help them understand the new world and frame of mind that they are stepping into when it comes to watching your partner take pleasure from others.

Men usually come to a points that cause them discomfort and confusion in these two scenarios:

1. You want to try swinging but you don't want another man pleasing your wife. Why, because you are worried she will like his sex more than you. You are worried she will want him still after it's over. This could lead to you being afraid she will leave you for him, but let's be real, we are men... The thought of someone being better than us far outranks her leaving us in our brains, lol...

2. You started out swinging at full speed, had your first swapping session and you got insecure from hearing your wife moan the same way she moans with you. Watching her facial expressions during sex with the swapper. These things ultimately make you compare how she reacts to you versus how she reacts with him.

Firstly, you are not alone. Allot of us men have seen things happen with our wives during swap sessions that have made us stop and wonder.. It happens... You can believe that they have watched us and done the same things at times. The key to beating these feelings is to truly analyze where they come from in ourselves and also have real heart to heart conversations with our wives to understand what those things mean to her. If you can do those two things, you will find out for sure whether you can be a swinger or not.

So without further ado, I would like to go over a few main bullet points that will help you get over Ego Mountain and on to the promise land of swapping!

1.“Showing Interest in Men”.

This will probably be your first line of discomfort. I have seen this one really make a man lose his mind... I remember when I was first getting into “The Lifestyle”, this was a tough one for me (no I wasn't always the perv I am now)… It was hard for me to wrap my brain around the fact that I wasn't the only person that she could be interested in at the moment... “Am I not good enough” or “Can she be trusted” used to run through my head a lot, but communication and trust, ended my fears in time. Look, the reality is, no one on this earth gets with the one they love and never thinks anyone else looks good. It's natural to find qualities in others that attract us. We choose not to act on these feelings when we are in monogamous relationships as a way to prove our love, so we form commitments that put our loved ones above everyone else... When it comes to swinging you have to change this train of thought some. Make an adjustment I would say… When you are a swingers couple you still have boundaries and commitments towards sex, but you are widening them when it comes to you both enjoying sex with others. You are saying its ok for you to show affection and intimacy in others as long as it's in a controlled environment that we can both find enjoyment from. You are not giving your woman a license to just show interest in every hot guy she sees. Nor are you saying she can sleep with whoever she wants... At the right time and place you two are allowed to let each other enjoy relaxed boundaries because it's comfortable and it turns you both on… This is the foundation of swinging... You have to both want to see each other perform. It can't just ONLY be about you or her getting the nut they want from someone else. If you don't care to watch your significant other be please by someone else, you are in this for the wrong reasons. Remember that before this, your wife/gf has never shown her interest for other men in any proactive manner.. She loves and adores you. This isn't the guy that’s going to replace you, move in, and start taking over all the bills. He is the guy that you have chosen to allow her to have a little extra fun with, the same way she is allowing you to play with his significant other.

                                       

    2. “Moans Are A Good Thing”.

This is another one that will fuck with our heads... When we heard our woman moan uncontrollably for the first time... I think there is one thing that goes through every man's mind “I got her ass now” lol… This is one hell of an ego builder... “Look at what I made her do”. She’s shaking... She can hardly talk. She is sweating and out of breath… “Man I put in some work!” That work solidified your control over her. She could never get fucked like that with anyone else... “IM THE KIIINNNGGGGG OF THIS PUUUSSSYYYYYYY….”

Now that's how we have all felt at some point or another about our significant others… but here is the reality... You may be her best partner ever, and this is very possible. You may be the only man that can make her cum or in a specific way… but you can't ever think that there is no way she will not make the same sounds, or reactions to sex with someone else.. I mean come on guys... How many different ways can she show happiness with sex? Should she have certain moans and groans that she only does with you, and then another set of moans for everyone else?? Can she only talk dirty to you or say your name, but never say that stuff when she is with a swapper? Can you imagine having to think about that constantly while having sex? What if she told you that you could only stroke in and out on another female. No circular movements … all of a sudden this isn't as fun... “She is hindering my performance... I can't really put it down like I want to… It’s not like I’m trying to marry the chick. I just want to make a good show of it...” well if that is what went through your head, then now you know how she feels. Women don't have but so much to do when fucking. Relax your muscles, stretch, arch when needed, throw it back when they can, and make noise. There is only so many ways that all of that can be done guys… If she sounds like she enjoys it, it doesn't mean she is leaving you, it doesn't mean she now realizes that there is another good dick in the world. It doesn't mean that YOU AREN'T SPECIAL!! It just means that she enjoys it... So cheer her on! Tell her to take it! Tell him to fuck her harder... You would be amazed at how much more fun swinging can be when you two interact with each other during it! The best thing to do for this issue if you have it, is to talk to your partner about what could possibly make you uncomfortable from her reactions and see what you can come up with to gradually work to the point where they don't anymore... Maybe you need a few sessions in before she can go 0-100, which is fine... Just try not to hinder her permanently or at the end you will be hindering yourself.

                                                                                                  

     3.  “Your Woman Is Not Dickmatized”

Your woman is not dickmatized by you nor can she be dickmatized by any other man. She is not the kind of woman that can have sex with a man and his dick alone is the sole reason why she will love him forever, and never leave him... I know many women who can have incredible sex with a guy and honestly never give it much other thought... Why, because sex is no binding contract or act that makes them change their life. Just because a woman lets you control her body in bed, doesn't mean you control her mind or actions. It's just a fun activity, no different than the way many men see it. I KNOW I KNOW..... This can be a tough one to accept... That your woman did not choose you because you were the chosen one... But you have to accept that you may not have the Golden Rod, the Dick Spear of Destiny or the Magic stick that squirts out the love potion 69…Now this is not to say that your wife doesn’t think you are her favorite or her best lover... As we mentioned in the point above, you could be the only man that ever made her cum... Or cum a certain way... so how can someone else possibly make her sound the same way you make her sound during sex... It just means that you have to face the reality that you're not the only man that can make her feel good during sex. A woman can have a few top lovers in her life for many reasons, but there is a reason why she is with you and not them... It’s because you were able to stimulate her mentally in a way no other man can... And that's the thing that separates you from everyone else... Your heart AND your dick… To put it simply. If a woman is in love with you, your 5 inch dick will feel like 10 inches... Consequently if she hates you, your 10 inch dick will feel like 5 inches.

         

                                                               

    4.  Equally Speaking... If either one of you can be affected by swinging to the point where it negatively affects your general sex life, then you don't need to be doing this. You have to have trust that each of you can come out of each swing session satisfied with each other. There has to be a bonding experience. In my opinion. If you didn't enjoy watching your partner... Then something went wrong... In my experience a lot of swingers after years of different experiences, can go left in this aspect... All of a sudden they aren't focusing on the experience for the bond. They don't have anything to talk about after the experience is over. Nothing turned them on or excited them about watching their partner... If they watched them at all... The experience has become more for personal variety then about sharing each other... Don't ever forget your roots... Because the longer you stay away from them, the harder it is to get back to them.

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The Tortoise and the Hare- Setting the Pace in Swinging

The Tortoise and the Hare- Setting the Pace in Swinging- By Serendipity702

Once you’ve decided to enter into the wild world of swinging as a couple, one question that may arise is, “How quickly (or slowly) should we proceed?”   More times than not, there will be one partner who is gung-ho about jumping right in and having lots of new, sexy, and exciting experiences. In contrast, the other partner may be a little more reluctant and cautious about getting started and worried about how this will affect their relationship. How does a couple rectify these seemingly conflicting desires and settle upon a pace that suits both people? I don’t know that there is a concrete answer to this, but as someone who has both been part of a couple in the LS, and had the benefit of interacting with LOTS of couples and gleaning wisdom from them, I’m willing to offer some thoughts on this topic.

One piece of advice I’ve heard many times is that the pace should be set by the slowest person. The person who has the greatest fear, the most doubt and worry is the person who will need the most care.  This may be frustrating for the partner who is eager to get started, but according to many, if you desire to preserve your relationship, both within swinging and apart from it, the “eager beaver” is going to need to slow down. 

The reasons for catering to the slowest person (aka the tortoise) are many. If you proceed at the speed of the fastest person, (the hare), you run the risk of the tortoise feeling disregarded, insecure, and jealous. All of these feelings are killers for swinging. Not only do those feelings impact the relationship, between the two partners (which should be the most important thing), but they will often affect those with whom you are swinging. So while the hare is acting like a starving person at a buffet, eager to sample any and everything, the tortoise often is sitting back ruminating on it all and trying to process their feelings.  Perhaps they try to keep up with the hare, despite their discomfort. We can probably predict how that will go- the hare ends up having a great time, the tortoise doesn’t, and when they get home-- issues. What is supposed to be a fun experience for BOTH parties ends up being one-sided. As a result, the tortoise’s dissatisfaction could display itself in any number of ways- an argument or drama in the moment (uncomfortable, to say the least, for everyone), refusal to continue swinging, or worst case scenario, the implosion of the relationship.

I’ve experienced this personally as the both the tortoise and the hare. As the tortoise, I was with someone who was so excited and eager to begin swinging that they kept presenting me with options and opportunities, at what felt like every turn. He called it persistence, but for me it just came across as pushy, and after awhile became so off-putting and frustrating that it sent me into retreat mode- to a point where I didn’t want to do anything LS related with him. 

Imagine it this way:

Hare: Hey, do you want to go out to eat?

Me: No, I’m not really hungry.

Hare: Come on, I want to eat!!

Me: Okay, okay…We can go to a restaurant, but I really don’t want anything. Maybe I’ll just get a drink.

Hare: Here, how about some pizza? I ordered you a slice.

Me: No, I don’t really feel like pizza.

Hare: How about a burger? (presents a burger to me)

Me: No…I told you, I’m not really hungry.

Hare: Pasta, come on, eat some pasta. I really want us to eat together! Why are you always turning down my suggestions?? I brought pasta for you!

Me: FINE. I don’t really want pasta, but since you’re so set on it… (chokes down pasta, not really enjoying it, while Hare relishes every bite.  I watch him eat resentfully, feeling like I’d been bullied into it.)

Now, imagine that scenario with swinging. My hare persisted in offering up “suggestions” on a regular basis, almost every week.  From my perspective, I couldn’t understand his rush. Why he wouldn’t let me “order” what (or who) I wanted, and “eat” when and if I wanted to?  Usually, as it was in our case, the hare is happy with whatever the tortoise chooses, as tortoises tend to be a bit more selective and discerning. My constant declining his offers became frustrating for him, as he was extremely enthusiastic and really wanted to have experiences, and in turn, his over-eagerness was a turn off for me. He didn’t like one of the cardinal rules in the LS- “let the woman choose.” Eventually, I threw in the towel on our LS life and told him that I did not want to participate in it with him anymore. I felt like he cared about “experiences” more than he did about me, and that was a terrible feeling. I was over it. The rift between us ended up being the demise of our relationship.

On the other hand, I have also been the hare in this situation, when my ex-husband and I first started our LS journey. He was reluctant about the whole thing, and really wanted to tiptoe our way into it. So, we’d go to parties and events and never play. He’d be content to meet and greet, but when the action started, he wanted to leave. I was frustrated because I wanted to stay and watch and/or participate and couldn’t understand why he didn’t. However, I knew not to push- if I did, then I knew he’d do what I did with the aforementioned hare- put his foot down and say we weren’t doing anything at all. So, we baby-stepped things. It took months, if not years, before he found his comfort level, and we still had setbacks and times where we paused and didn’t do anything LS at all. In retrospect, even though my wants and desires weren’t fulfilled immediately, I’m glad that we waited. It was much better for us to have taken our time so we BOTH felt comfortable, rather than me zipping ahead and risking causing problems between the two of us. It is important to recognize that swinging is just an extracurricular activity- you have to deal with your partner on a regular basis, and that’s what is most important.  Patience, in our case, was a virtue.

Now, if both of you are on the same page, and want to proceed at the same pace, by all means, jump into the deep end with both feet. But pay attention to signs, signals, and have those tough conversations to “check in” and make sure you both are feeling good about the speed in which you’re moving, and the activities (and people) you’re choosing.

The bottom line is, if you are operating in the LS as a couple (whether it is a play-partner couple, or a more established one), you have to operate as a unit.  Swinging as a couple truly is a team sport. So, if you’re the hare, you may not get to the destination first, but you’ll get there with less stress and more happiness if you check your pace to match that of the tortoise. Regardless, eventually you’ll both make it to the finish line together, which is a win for everyone.

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